Healing From Suicide Grief

The EMDR Diaries

2012-01-12T12:49:00.000-08:00

By Catherine Greenleaf

What exactly is EMDR? EMDR or Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing is a method of healing that has been scientifically proven to reduce symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder by reordering how the brain reacts to upsetting stimuli.

EMDR is considered the "gold standard" in trauma treatment because it successfully addresses emotions, images, olfactory sensations and beliefs surrounding traumatic circumstances. By recalling disturbing events while simultaneously staying focused on musical tones, the tapping of fingers, or following a pattern of blinking lights in the supervision of a trained and credentialed therapist, a trauma survivor experiences new, more positive associations with previously upsetting memories.

Important: the practitioner must have completed and passed an official certification program in EMDR training.

When I first came in to see my therapist for EMDR, she told me most clients needed three to five sessions of approximately 50 minutes each in order to heal from their symptoms of trauma. However, after 10 full-length sessions, she told me that I probably needed yet another series of 10 sessions, as I was not your typical trauma client. I was a suicide loss survivor.

This statement of hers really hit home. It made me realize what a unique and complicated grief we carry as suicide loss survivors. It was also a challenge for me: was I willing to do whatever it took to get these symptoms of trauma behind me? You bet. I had grown tired of the hypervigilance, restlessnes, insomnia, anxiety and time distortion of the PTSD I was diagnosed with after being forced to witness an extremely violent suicide.

How it works: you sit with your therapist and discuss potentially traumatic situations that have occurred in your life. Then, while you are thinking of one of these situations, he/she employs one of the modalities listed above. You revisit the original trauma, but in safe and controlled circumstances. While this is happening, your eyes and brain are reprogramming the event and neutralizing its emotional charge. It's not that you forget the episode that originally upset you, but that you can now remember it without feeling like you're being tasered.

The effects are immediate. At least they were for me. I came away from each session feeling happier and lighter and could sense more vitality -- emotionally and physically. After a number of sessions, I began to feel something I had not experienced in years -- joy! I now have true enthusiasm for life again. And I have gone from survivor to thriver. My past traumas no longer weigh me down, as they had for decades.

UPDATE (February, 2012) : I am now on my 18th session of EMDR. I am making progress, and feeling so much better. I feel more resilience and can sense I am higher functioning with all day-to-day activities. I still need more sessions, my therapist said, so I will give further updates.

The Gift of Desperation

2012-01-08T08:39:00.000-08:00

by Catherine Greenleaf

When we learn we have lost a loved one to suicide, we hit a level of despair few people will ever know or understand. That's why I refer to suicide loss in my book as high-voltage grief. Suicide loss tears every fiber that makes up the tapestry of our lives. The suddenness, the lack of warning (even with a history of previous attempts), the self-inflicted violence and the profound aftershocks (like depression, anxiety and PTSD) can put us into a state of mental anguish that makes day-to-day functioning very difficult.

However, there is one silver lining in this very dark, grey cloud. And that is the gift of desperation.

Now why would I call desperation a gift? Because it forces us to our knees. It forces us to admit we are sinking and don't know what to do next. It forces us to realize we cannot travel this path of grief alone.

It forces us to ask for help.

In a society that prides itself on the concept of rugged individualism, asking for help can be seen as an act of weakness or even cowardice. But what do we do when faced with suffering beyond our capacity to resolve? We become humble. We surrender. We ask for help. Asking for help is our saving grace. Turning to others for support, help, information and encouragement is our way through and out the dark tunnel of suicide grief. Attending a suicide loss survivor support group, seeing a sudden loss bereavement therapist or participating in suicide loss group therapy are just three ways of reaching out and getting the guidance we need.

People who need people, are, indeed, the luckiest people. It's where love begins.

Why We Neglect Ourselves After Suicide Loss

2011-12-13T11:25:00.000-08:00

by Catherine Greenleaf

After losing someone we love to suicide, it is common for us to neglect ourselves. We do this by not eating, not getting enough sleep, repeatedly feeding ourselves negative messages, and not allowing ourselves to feel our feelings.

Why do we torture ourselves in this way? Because, for some reason, we feel guilt and shame around the suicide loss. We cycle endlessly through the same questions: what did I do wrong? what could I have done differently? what was it I said that made him/her do this? what was it I didn't say that made him/her do this?

Because suicide is so sudden and so devastating, if we can't find the answer to why they did it, then we think we must be to blame. This is called "the logic of absurdity." That phrase was coined by Alice Miller, the author of the wonderful book "The Drama of the Gifted Child." In the midst of emotional trauma, we are often given to blaming ourselves for situations we had no control over. As we recover from the trauma, we realize we are not to blame. We realize we don't have, and have never had, enough power to make someone take their own lives. And as far as saving them just in the nick of time? We also realize we are not omniscient and not omnipotent. The qualities of omniscience and omnipotence are godlike qualities. And we are not God, we are merely human.

The other factor that contributes to our urge to neglect ourselves is the stigma society attaches to suicide. What we encounter the most from people in the community is referred to as "The Wall of Silence," according to suicide loss researchers. What we often extrapolate from this silence from others is unspoken condemnation -- that somehow we are flawed and our family is abnormal. Our self-esteem ends up so severely damaged, we sometimes end up believing these thoughts and willingly punish ourselves. None of it, of course, is true. Suicide can happen in any family and the loss does not make us abnormal.

What is clear is that the Wall of Silence stems from people's fears of saying the wrong thing and upsetting us. So they say nothing. We are not being condemned. But we are being thrown under the bus, so to speak, by people's lack of education around suicide loss. What we need is a Wall of Support surrounding us.

So, that means we can drop the guilt. We can drop the shame. And we can start nourishing ourselves. What a wonderful journey to be on! We give ourselves everything we need -- rest, nutritious food, sleep, calming music, invigorating exercise. We can go on vacations. We can go to a spa and get a massage! We can help our grief process by attending suicide loss survivor support group meetings. We can make new friends. And we can start sending ourselves positive messages of self-love. It feels good to finally be on our way -- back to ourselves!

Are You In There? The Frustrations of Preoccupation

2011-11-10T13:41:00.001-08:00

by Catherine Greenleaf

There are many downsides to preoccupation, which is a symptom of PTSD. When we are in a state of preoccupation, we are constantly distracted from what is going on in the present. This robs us of the opportunity for all the gifts of living in the moment -- joy, love, closeness, and especially the intimacy that grows between two people who care about one another.

Preoccupation prevents us from experiencing spontaneity, which is a big part of the enjoyment of life. Instead we are locked into a goose-step of just getting through the next day, looking for something to do that will interrupt the emotional pain we are feeling around the suicide loss. Please keep in mind this is not your typical multi-tasking. It's the mind's attempt to create a distraction from the trauma of devastating loss (such as suicide) and to numb out the pain by overloading the brain's circuits with an overabundance of conflicting activities.

"Conflicting" is the operative word, because the two activities a preoccupied person chooses are often totally disparate and make no sense, such as watching T.V. while on the phone, reading a book while attending a conference, talking to someone while trying to dial out on a cell phone. What occurs inbetween these two disparate activities is an inability to comprehend or focus on anything. In this inbetween state, the person instead enjoys a numbed-out and pain-free period.

It is easy to see when someone is experiencing preoccupation:

1. They have a glazed or dulled look to their eyes or face.

2. They are standing right in front of you but seem to be a million miles away. (This is also referred to as being emotionally unavailable, which can destroy friendships and love relationships).

3. You're never sure they just heard all of what you said to them. You may find yourself saying: "Yoo-hoo. Earth to Mary. Did you hear what I just said?"

4. They are usually fidgeting for something to do, and will often attempt to read a newspaper or use their cell phone while talking to you.

5. They tend to walk into walls, doors and furniture because they don't have their full attention to keep them on guard.

6. They routinely walk into a room looking for something but can't remember what it was they wanted.

7. You will see their mouth moving as they walk around. They are talking to themselves.

Preoccupation can be dangerous. A person with preoccupation has a delayed response to stimuli, and so will be slower to react while driving on the highway or crossing a busy street.

But the biggest loss is the inability to stay present for the people you love. This can have damaging and longlasting consequences for all of your personal relationships.

If you feel you are caught in preoccupation mode, reaching out to qualified professionals can help you regain control over your emotions and your life.

Preoccupation -- Dealing With An Annoying Symptom of PTSD

2011-10-10T12:10:00.000-07:00

by Catherine Greenleaf

Preoccupation -- we all know what it's like to have our mind in one place and our body in another. Have you ever said to someone: "Huh? What did you just say?" This can happen when you're in a roomful of people and in the middle of conversation and for some reason you just drift off in your own mind. It's as if you're a million miles away from everyone else in the room. Some people call it daydreaming, and it is human nature to think and dwell upon possibilities in life. That is part of how we plan to attain our goals. However, when your preoccupation is due to trauma like suicide loss, the effect can be quite the opposite and can impact the quality of your life.

Veterans of war call it being "shell-shocked." When World War I, II, and Viet Nam veterans returned from battle, they often presented with the symptom of appearing to be in a daze. This preoccupation, or splitting of the mind and body is a very normal and natural reaction to trauma. The brain is attempting to heal itself from devastating loss and grief. What the brain does is fixate on two things at once, such as vaccuming the rug while talking on the phone, watching TV while reading a magazine, eating a sandwich while getting dressed. This is not what we think of as modern-day multi-tasking. Dwelling in this inbetween state of doing one thing and thinking of something completely different is very effective at stopping painful emotions and memories from coming to the surface.

In some ways, preoccupation is very similar to OCD or obsessive-compulsive disorder. Any compulsive activity prevents a person from feeling emotions. This is why after a suicide loss, surviving friends and family talk about mopping the kitchen floor at 2 a.m. or cleaning out all the closets in the house again and again. They are seeking solace from the overwhelming pain this type of sudden loss can bring.

Preoccupation can prevent you from living life in the moment. It can rob you of your spontaneity and enjoyment of life's many joys. If you feel you are suffering from preoccupation that just doesn't seem to be lifting, you can seek assistance from a qualified sudden death bereavement therapist. There are several modalities that can be quite useful in treating this symptom of PTSD, like EMDR and other types of neuro-linguistic programming, as well as amino acid therapy.

The bottom line is this: you are not alone in your grief. There are many people who have experienced the disorientation of preoccupation after a tragic loss and found ways to combat this annoying and perturbing symptom. The key is asking for help and putting yourself in the hands of a qualified professional so you can get some relief.

Read more about preoccupation and the other symptoms of PTSD in my book: Healing The Hurt Spirit: Daily Affirmations For People Who Have Lost a Loved One to Suicide at www.healingthehurtspirit.com.

Keeping Our Center During Grief

2011-09-18T09:49:00.000-07:00

by Catherine Greenleaf

How do we keep it all together while grieving a suicide loss? Suicide is one of the most devastating forms of loss that exists. The mixture of suddenness, self-inflicted violence and police involvement can leave us with our minds whirling uncontrollably.

It's important to remember we are not the only ones who have lived through and survived such a horrific loss. We have many suicide loss survivors who have gone before us and they have blazed a trail of survivorship and healing for us. So, with that in mind, we take a look at some ways to get grounded during grief:

1. Don't isolate. Isolating magnifies our sense of pain. This does not mean putting yourself with anybody you can find. A sense of discernment is required, which can be challenging. We need to put ourselves in the presence of people who care and understand, and who aren't going to try to rewrite history for us or tell us how we are supposed to be feeling.

2. Ask for help. Millions of people have lost loved ones to suicide. And while this is sad and unfortunate, it also tells us that many have survived such a loss. While it isn't easy, it is most certainly much harder to get through suicide loss alone. Asking for help, and getting it, is perhaps the strongest indicator that a person will be okay. Suicide loss survivor support groups, a sudden loss bereavement therapist, and private, small therapy groups can be a huge benefit.

3. Do only what you can do. Maybe you don't want to go to that office Christmas party. Don't! You are the best judge of how much you can handle. If the holidays are overwhelming you, create your own celebration at home with a close friend. During overwhelming times, less is more. Make sure to get lots of rest and sleep, eat healthy food and give yourself lots of time-outs!

4. Watch out for the mood altering substances. After a suicide loss, it can be very tempting to overdo it with alcohol, cigarettes, food, sex, work, shopping -- any compulsive activity prevents you from feeling your feelings. The addictions are merely symptoms for what's going on underneath: not wanting to feel the pain of the loss. This is where a therapist becomes crucial in guiding you through your grief.

5. Steer clear of the critical people. Believe it or not, there will be some people out there who will condemn your loved one for dying by suicide. As if the pain isn't enough, you have someone in the neighborhood who thinks suicide is a sin or a crime. Please remember these people are ignorant, uneducated and foolish and they perpetuate the stigma connected with brain disorders. It is not your job during this tender time to reform them. Avoid them.

Above all, be true to yourself. And remember, suicide is the result of a chemical imbalance caused by a brain disorder. Suicide has nothing to do with what you said, didn't say, did, didn't do. It's time to start cutting yourself a break and learning to love yourself. Right now!

It's Okay To Cry -- Tears Are A Sign of Strength Not Weakness

2011-07-23T09:50:00.000-07:00

by Catherine Greenleaf

Why is the ability to cry so vital to our recovery from the grief of suicide loss?

Crying, lamenting, sobbing and wailing -- all of these allow us to discharge our pain so we can heal. The sadness and despair, when repressed, don't just disappear. Instead, they go underground in your psyche where the pain, unfortunately, intensifies. The feelings are not gone, they are merely buried alive. They then re-emerge at a later time and can cause chronic stress, depression, stomach ulcers, and even a nervous breakdown.

One of the unexpectedly wonderful aspects of crying is that expressing our grief allows us to experience the strength of our aliveness. Our tears let us know we were truly connected to another and that the love we felt was real. Crying releases us from our grief and reaffirms our ability to love and be loved.

You may find some people in your life trying to discourage you from crying. We have all grown up with warnings about not being a "crybaby" or that "real men don't cry." However, crying is the most natural thing in the world for humans to do. Studies show that real healing takes place when we give ourselves permission to cry. I'm sure you've often heard people say they needed a good cry and how much better they felt afterward.

If the people in your life are making you feel uncomfortable about crying, here are a few tips I have tried in order to feel safe shedding tears.

1. Get in the car. Alone. Take a drive. You can cry all you like in private. You can play music on the radio or your favorite CDs.

2. Get in the shower. Turn on the hot water. You can cry and no one will hear you under the sound of the water running.

3. Get outside. Take a walk by yourself. Wear sunglasses. You can cry while you walk and no one will be the wiser.

4. Get in the pool. Start swimming. You can cry underwater and no one will figure it out.

If you want to cry, but the tears just won't come, you can try these tearjerker movies to get the waterworks running:

1) Steel Magnolias

2) Terms of Endearment

3) Brian's Song

4) The Bridges of Madison County

5) Always

6) Sophie's Choice

7) Charlotte's Web

8) Babe

9) Casablanca

10) An Officer and a Gentleman

Why Are Daily Positive Affirmations So Important?

2011-07-19T14:27:00.000-07:00

by Catherine Greenleaf

What's the big deal about positive affirmations, really? Actually, it is a really BIG deal. The way you think, about yourself, and about your life, determines what kind of experiences you will have. We manifest our fate every step of the way, through our dreams, imaginings, projections, and expectations. But most especially it's how and what we think about ourselves that determines how happy we will be.

Researchers have conclusively shown that when we think positive thoughts, we enjoy enormous short-term and long-term benefits. So, if faced with a choice of positive or negative thoughts, why not go with positive and see what happens? It's like seeing your glass half full instead of half empty. The glass has the same amount of water in it either way. So why not see the glass as half full?

Positive affirmations are thoughts and sayings you can repeat to yourself out loud or silently in your head. Positive affirmations are designed to help uplift your mind, body and soul. Instead of putting yourself down every time you make a mistake, imagine telling yourself nice things, like: "It's okay to make mistakes," or, "Who I am is good and I'm good enough."

Unfortunately, as suicide loss survivors, we can end up flooded with negative messages. Usually these are messages we send ourselves, about not being good enough, not being a good parent, spouse, child, etc. Then if we do get criticism from family or relatives, we internalize it with more negative statements about ourselves. The damage this negativity does to our self-esteem and self-worth is incalculable. But with practice, we can control our thoughts and improve our sense of well-being.

I was mired in negativity after the suicide death of my loved one. I couldn't even drop a fork on the floor at dinnertime without calling myself "stupid." I was miserable and knew I needed a radical shift in my life. That was when I was introduced to the power of positive affirmations.

How to get started: Start listening to the "committee" in your head. Are you constantly criticizing yourself, calling yourself names, putting yourself down? If that is the case, you don't need anyone to degrade or humiliate you -- you are already doing it to yourself!

The key with positive affirmations is repetition. The more your subconscious mind hears positive words, the more these thoughts will manifest in your life. It is always exciting to start noticing for the first time when your positive thoughts start to outweigh your negative thoughts. Although this may take a while, and require persistence and commitment, the pay-off is well worth all the work!

Try this: for the first several weeks that you try out affirmations, call yourself "Sweetie." When you drop something on the floor, say, "It's okay, Sweetie." When you forget something and have to come all the way back home, say to yourself, "It's okay, Sweetie." If you do this long enough, the positive in your subconscious will start to outweigh the negative and you will start to feel better about yourself and the world around you.

You will start to notice your relationships getting better -- much better! Healthier and more encouraging people will literally start to show up, and more importantly, you will start to notice them! When we were once mired in negatitivy we didn't even notice when someone nice was around because we were too busy being cynical and pessimistic about our chances of finding someone nice. But the affirmation: "I deserve unconditional love at all times," will get you to a new and wonderful relationship very quickly.

Besides love relationships, positive affirmations create improvement in dealing with family members, bosses and co-workers on the job, friendships, dealings with neighbors, as well as any dreams you have for yourself in the future. Positive affirmations help us get through disappointment, rejection, and deep grief and keep us looking forward to living life in the moment.

Please remember, after a suicide loss the last thing we need to do is beat up on ourselves. This is a healing time for you, a time to nourish yourself and treat yourself well as you recover from your grief.

What To Do If You Have Witnessed a Suicide

2011-07-13T10:43:00.000-07:00

by Catherine Greenleaf

There are, unfortunately, instances in which a person dies by suicide in a public arena, exposing complete strangers to their sudden and violent acts. If you have witnessed the suicide of a complete stranger in a public place what should you do? Should you just continue on as you were before and brush the incident off? After all, you never met the person in question and don't even know their name.

There is the time-worn adage, "a witness to violence is a victim of violence." Suicide is a form of self-inflicted violence and witnessing a suicide, whether you know the person or not, can be extremely traumatic. Trauma affects people in different ways. If you are experiencing any of the following, you might consider getting some help:

1. You avoid the area where you witnessed the suicide, even if it means taking longer to get to work, shopping, visiting family and friends.

2. You are experiencing unusually violent dreams that upset you.

3. You are experiencing flashbacks around the suicide, e.g., certain smells, sounds and sights are coming back to you piecemeal and upsetting you.

4. You find time is distorted for you. You are late to appointments, early for lunch with a friend. You used to be able to tell what time it was without looking. Now you have no idea what time it will be when you look at your clock.

5. You are having difficulty sleeping through the night.

6. You are starting to isolate and finding it safer to be home alone.

7. You are spending more time alone eating or drinking alcohol.

8. You can feel yourself starting to shut down emotionally. You are no longer sure how you feel about anything.

9. You feel life has lost its lustre and you aren't sure what motivates you to get out of bed anymore.

10.You are catching yourself being compulsive. You find you are having difficulty stopping certain activities like cleaning, working and hand washing.

At the very least, a few visits to a sudden death bereavement therapist will help you clear up any feelings you might have about witnessing a suicide. The above list is only a partial one, but each item describes a symptom of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder or depression. In any case, it never hurts to ask for help!

How Journaling Can Help You Heal From Suicide Grief

2011-06-20T09:51:00.001-07:00

By Catherine Greenleaf

Journaling is a very powerful method of healing. The visceral act of writing words down on paper can assist you in releasing pent-up sadness, anger and grief. After my loss, I had so many conflicting emotions. I wasn't sure what to do with them all. My suicide bereavement therapist suggested I go down to the local pharmacy and buy myself a spiral-bound notebook. She said, "Write down how you feel." I started quite simply by writing one or two lines a day, stating what I was doing that day and how I was feeling. My journal turned out to be my best buddy. I poured all my anger, resentment, bitterness, hatred, confusion and despair into the pages of my journal. I ended up with thirteen journals!!!!! But I had released so many negative emotions, and in the process, I felt lighter and freer and more willing to start moving on in my life again.

In my journal, I wrote many "anger letters" to my loved one. These letters asked him: why did you leave me? why did you choose such a method to die? did you ever stop and think how I would be affected by your leaving not to mention the method? I got all the anger and rage out of my system by writing these letters to him. With every letter I wrote him, I felt more and more peace of mind. My rage transitioned to anger and then the anger transitioned to a resigned acceptance. The best part is the high-voltage emotional charge was gone. I had successfully exorcised the demons of my grief. I believe writing -- journaling, poetry, music -- all of it is cathartic and can help us release stored-up toxic emotions.

What I discovered as I wrote was that the worst part of my grief was the feeling of abandonment. We had done everything together. We were inseparable. We approached all our challenges together and dealt with them as a team. Once he left, I felt terribly abandoned and betrayed. But as I continued to write about my life I realized I had always had abandonment issues. With that realization I could no longer blame him for something that was part of my past. That understanding brought great freedom and relief.

It's important to remember that this is YOUR journal. You don't have to share it with anyone (although I have read a few "breakthrough" passages to my therapist over the years.) Keep your journal in a private, secret place that no one can find. Your writing is sacred and no one has the right to violate your privacy and read your words unless you give permission.

Today, my journal is part of my morning ritual. Each morning, I sit down with my hot cup of green tea and my journal. With my little dog lying at my feet, I write down how I am feeling AND I TELL THE TRUTH. When someone on the street stops and asks, "How are you?" it's always very tempting to just say: "Oh, I'm fine," and walk away. But with a journal I can be completely honest. After such a devastating loss, I found I was hungry for honesty -- from myself and from others in my life. My journal keeps me honest -- and free of pent-up emotions.

Interestingly enough, those 13 journals ended up turning into my book, Healing The Hurt Spirit!

Creating Your Comfort Zone

2011-02-06T14:37:00.003-08:00

by Catherine Greenleaf

One way to help yourself through the grief process is to give yourself the gift of a "comfort zone." This is a corner of your house or apartment where you feel safe and comfortable. It is an area where you know that when you close the door, you have privacy and quiet.

1) Figure out where your safe corner is. Put your favorite comfy chair in this corner, preferably by a window so you can enjoy the antics of the birds outside and feel the breeze through the screen window during the warmer months.

2) Surround your favorite chair with treasured mementos -- photos of pleasurable trips, colorful pillows, crystals, and lush, green plants. You can even put a comfy crocheted afghan nearby to cover your legs when you're chilly.

3) Things to avoid. You'll want to avoid the TV, telephone, radio and computer during this time. All of these serve to distract you with busy work, interrupt you with other people's concerns, or upset you with violent news.

4) Spend at least 15 minutes each morning in your comfort zone. Even this small amount of time can carry you psychologically through the entire day. Make yourself a hot mug of cocoa or a cup of green tea. Invite your pet dog or cat to come sit with you while you relax.

5) Put on some music. Classical music is often soothing. So is New Age music. Experiment with different composers and sounds until you find the music that brings you serenity.

6) Create a ritual during your 15 minutes. Sip on your tea. Read your favorite positive affirmation lists or spiritual books. Start a journal. Write down all your deepest thoughts. Write a gratitude list.

Make this "comfort zone" a place you can come to any time you are feeling overwhelmed and in need of a time-out to think. If you can create this zone and use it regularly you will boost your self-esteem, because you will be doing something nourishing for you -- for your peace of mind and for the fulfillment of your soul. You will gain clarity around your challenges and the answers will come easier and faster. This will be your opportunity to listen to, and develop trust in, that still small voice inside of you -- the voice that will always tell you the truth -- no matter what is going on.

You are worth taking care of! You deserve to heal!

The Indigo Children Revolt Against the Word "Stages" in Grief Healing

2011-01-16T15:06:00.000-08:00

by Catherine Greenleaf

Those Indigo Children -- they're at it again! Just when you think everyone is conforming to longstanding guidelines, along come the Indigo Children upsetting the apple cart. And thank goodness! Many Indigo Children are reaching adulthood and they are not happy with the word "stages" as applied to grief healing. I think they are right.

In my work as a spiritual counselor, I work with a number of Adult Indigos, and they have made it very clear they are not fond of the word "stages" when applied to their own personal experience of healing. In fact, I am working with several Indigos right now who quit their regular therapists because they felt they were being pressured to march through the 5 Stages of Grief.

Just for the record, who are the Indigo Children? As documented by researchers Lee Carroll and Jan Tober, they are a new generation of extremely intuitive and sensitive children who are regarded as "system busters." In other words, they are very rebellious when it comes to conforming to what society dictates is the norm for all. They are not afraid to question authority and are fond of looking for new ways to accomplish goals. I think of them as spiritual pioneers.

What my Indigo clients have told me is they resent being told how they will heal from their grief. They don't want to be told that they should now be experiencing the "anger stage" or the "denial stage." They are very sensitive human beings and want to experience their feelings in their own way, in their own time, and on their own terms.

I have to admit I am excited by this refreshing evolution regarding grief healing. It is a long time in coming. The truth is, the Five Stages of Grief were documented by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross in the 1950s while she was working with hospice patients. Unfortunately, some grief therapists took the Five Stages and ran with them, applying them in a cookie-cutter fashion to all types of grief. What researchers are revealing now (go to adec.org and watch "New Theories of Grief" by Robert A. Neimeyer, Ph.D.) is that the Five Stages don't apply in all cases of grief, especially sudden loss. Most especially in suicide loss.

I know Kubler-Ross is no longer here to address this issue. But if she were alive today, if I may be so bold, I believe she would tell everyone to think of the stages as typical passages you may travel through, instead of mandatory steps you must climb to reach a certain destination. You may go through all the passages. You may go through none of them. Perhaps one or two. The bottom line: there is nothing wrong with you if you don't experience shock, denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance when you lose someone you love. It is your grief. You do it your way. The important thing is that you are feeling your feelings so that you can process your grief and move forward. The time to be concerned is when you feel frozen and split off from your feelings, at which point some help via therapist is recommended.

In my book, Healing The Hurt Spirit: Daily Affirmations For People Who Have Lost a Loved One to Suicide, I have documented 12 passages, or states of being, a suicide loss survivor may experience during their healing process. Again, these passages are presented not as a list of "shoulds" but as suggested signposts along the way of grieving. It certainly doesn't hurt to know ahead of time what you could end up experiencing as you progress through your grief process.

In other words, don't throw the baby out with the bath water! Don't be afraid to ask for help and check in to take a look at some of the passages people frequently go through, so you can see that your reactions are normal and healthy and that you aren't going crazy. Looking at passages others travel through on their road to healing can be very comforting, sort of like a roadmap with lots of highways and byways to choose from.

Thanks again, Indigos!

Hiding Behind The Potted Geraniums

2011-01-06T09:25:00.001-08:00

By Catherine Greenleaf

After a suicide loss in the family, it is very typical to pull down all the shades in the house, lock the door, turn off the answering machine and do what is called "sitting behind the potted geraniums." In other words, we think sealing off the outside world will somehow protect us. From what? We can conjure up all kinds of reactions from the community in our minds. Perhaps they will now think our entire family is "crazy," that there is something terribly wrong with us and we should be avoided, that somehow suicide is contagious and will spread to others should they have contact with us. It is terrifying to think of re-entering the community and experiencing people's "verdict" over your family situation.

The sad part is we are the ones thinking these thoughts. We make up these scenarios in our own minds and scare ourselves into isolation. It is true that some people do not understand suicide loss and grief and we will meet with the occasional person who makes insensitive comments. But we are living in a world now where people are more savvy about the devastating effects of sudden loss, including suicide. Most of the people we encounter will be enormously compassionate and understanding. However, hiding inside a dark house will not help us to meet any of these nice people.

Usually it's our own guilt and shame that compel us into hiding away from the community. For years, I carried guilt that I had somehow said or done something to make my loved one choose suicide. Staying inside the house was my way of avoiding the possibility that someone would point the finger and say: "He died because of something you did." I'll be darned if I know what that "something" was. However, when you are in the throes of suicide grief you don't see how absurd that type of thinking is.

The truth is, suicide is never the fault of anyone but the person who dies of it. No one has that much control over another person. There is no need to feel guilt or shame about your loved one's death. Suicide is caused by a chemical imbalance in the brain and/or a lifetime of not being able to employ the skills necessary to cope with adversity and conflict.

Things are bad enough without adding to the pain. We can let go of the guilt. The time is now for nurturing yourself. You have been dealt a devastating blow. Be good to yourself. Give yourself time to heal. No, life will never be the same. But you are now on the path to what suicide loss survivors call "a new normal." Taking care of yourself will get you there a lot faster. Try opening a blind and unlocking the door. Let people love you and take care of you. You are worth it.

Setting Boundaries During The Holidays

2010-12-26T20:19:00.001-08:00

By Catherine Greenleaf

The holiday times roll in, and suddenly it's so easy for me to overextend myself. Parties with co-workers, lunches with friends, get-togethers with relatives -- it all seems like so much fun in the beginning. Then I look at the calendar in bewilderment, noting that I don't have an evening to myself for two solid weeks!

It happens to all of us, but for suicide-loss survivors, there may be a tendency to overload to avoid the pain of spending the holidays without a loved one.

Know that you can always cancel. You don't have to be Superwoman or Superman during this most tender of times. I have learned I can say "yes." I can also say "no." I can even say "maybe," "I changed my mind," or "can I get back

to you?"

Setting boundaries and limits helps me enjoy the holidays!

Tips for Surviving The Holidays

2010-12-26T20:02:00.000-08:00

By Catherine Greenleaf

As suicide loss survivors, we can often dread the holiday season. Christmas music tells us to be jolly, but sometimes our grief is too heavy and we just can’t work up the enthusiasm. However, by giving ourselves permission to

take care of ourselves, we take control and feel self-empowered – regardless of what the relatives may say. Here are some tips to help you along:

Tip #1 – The most important thing you can do this holiday season, or at any time, is to put yourself with safe people who validate your loss.

Tip #2 – Avoid becoming overwhelmed. Don’t feel you have to accept every holiday party invitation you receive. Pick and choose.

Tip #3 – Have a Plan B. If you go to a party and someone upsets you, have a phone number handy of someone you can call for support.

Tip #4 – Be sure to plan quiet time at home alone for yourself during the holidays, so you can enjoy some peace of mind.

Tip #5 – Be a chipper! To make life more manageable, steadily chip away at your holiday gift list. Instead of attempting to buy all your gifts in one trip to

the mall, chunk it down into several smaller trips. This will help you avoid the last-minute “rush.”

Tip #6 – Use the internet or mail-order catalogs to shop if driving to busy stores or malls unnerves you.

Tip #7 – Try to make wrapping gifts a pleasant experience. Put on the holiday music, make yourself a cup of cocoa, eat a candy cane, and wrap.

Tip #8 – As with any activity, if you feel overwhelmed, then put everything away for another day.

Tip #9 – The temptation to overindulge will be great. Keep in mind that alcohol is a depressant. Too much sugar can make some people emotional and even weepy. Dark chocolate sweets can keep some people awake all night.

Tip #10 - The average American can gain 5-10 pounds over the course of the holiday season, which can be very depressing. Moderation is key. Eat before you

arrive so you won’t nibble all night. Find interesting people to take your mind off food.

Tip #11 – If family relations are contentious, put time limits on how long you will visit. You can craft a high-quality holiday with family by limiting your visit to five hours. After five hours, put on your coat and get out.

Tip #12 - Remember the Holiday Golden Hour – that first hour of any holiday gathering. It’s the safest time to be there. After several hours, drinkers start to get drunk and obnoxious, kids get whiny and cranky, and relatives start

making sarcastic remarks. Give yourself permission to leave any situation you find stressful or unsettling.

For more holiday survival tips, follow me on www.twitter.com/todayiamhealing

You Are Not Alone

2010-12-26T13:09:00.001-08:00

By Catherine Greenleaf

You are probably reading this blog because you have lost someone you love to suicide. I am so very sorry for your loss, and I hope you are doing all you can to take good care of yourself. Suicide loss can have quite an impact on our sense of well-being, our self-esteem and our physical health. It's so very important to nurture yourself during these hard times while you heal from your loss.

What are some things you can do right away:

1) Surround yourself with people who validate your loss. Steer clear of the people who seem to be hurrying you through your grief, telling you to "Buck up," "Get over it," and "Move on." Our grief takes its own time. There is no stopwatch for our loss. We will get through it in our own way.

2) Get plenty of rest, good food and quiet time. In other words, nourish your body and your soul during this difficult time of grief. This can be challenging because suicide loss can sometimes cause sleeplessness and lack of appetite.

3) Build a safety net for yourself. A safety net is comprised of people you can trust to help you in a time of emotional crisis. A sudden death bereavement therapist, a suicide loss survivor support group and friends who validate your loss are all ideal people for a safety net.